tangled up in excretion

You know that saying, "The best thing since sliced bread," that people so often use to indicate that something is really groovy?

I think it's blasphemy. Sliced bread is not all it's cracked up to be. As I was sitting on the beige seat of relief - getting to the core of said seat's true purpose, I glanced to the right at my sink counter top and saw the Softsoap dispenser there. Elegant - a sleek, palpable neck that sang to me as a crooning coyote would in my wildest fantasies. Dare I say, much resembling a swan's essential beauty in simplicity... A container that would surely fly straight to the gates of heaven if completed with a swan's wondrous wingspread. A device whose suction straw extends down into the depth of her belly - surrounded by a sea of mildly yet invigorating fragrant hand elixir. With an easy, inter-connected and blatant push of the head she ejects her nectar into your expectant palms. Even the surface of contact is chizled to give you the most comfortable of finger-exertion excursions. She will never fail you - nor will she lie or cheat. And she always comes, if this is an issue for you. Just make sure to fill her up every once in awhile.

Okay, liquid soap can't provide a carbohydrate encampment for my cold cut fixin's or other sandwhichesque concoctions. But would you really want your grimy ass hands making a fucking sandwhich? No, not unless you paid a recent visit to the Vixen of Antibacterialites.

And, game-set-match shit right here, I can CUT MY OWN FUCKING BREAD. I have knives, I have hands for holding still the loaf. I have the tools and the knowledge required to complete the mission. And it wouldn't even be sanitary without m'lady. Do you want to get sick and die? Of course you don't, this life is beautiful and full of endless possibilities. I am thoroughly disgusted by the colloquial panel of comparative discourse. But I have faith in my moisturization. I have truly believe in my heart that Jesus Christ used either Dial® or Softsoap®.

Stop using this fucking expression. It sucks. My new realization is, quite literally, the best thing since liquid hand soap. Believe it, you sick motherfuckers.

P.S. Wash your hands.